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Fairfax, California:

Noted child physiologist Bernard Smetena urged the US Youth Soccer Organization yesterday to consider abandoning the practice of the “tie-game” from its rule-book in favor of the win-win.
I have noticed, stated Dr. Smetena, an increasing trend of extreme stress among my young patients who have participated in what I believe to be soccer’s barbaric ritual known as the “tie-breaker.” Many of my patients who have experienced this savagery are now traumatized at the mere suggestion of rock-paper-scissors.

In order to boost the morale, and encourage a feeling of comfort and well-being, among its young players, the US Youth soccer Organization will agree to cease the tie-breaker and opt for the win-win, which will also incorporate the “win-win group hug” among not only the players but the parents of what was formally known as the “opposing teams,” but will forthright be referred to as “people-you-just-haven’t-hugged-yet’.

Dr. Smetena stated further, “We are researching alternatives to rock-paper-scissors, but have only come up with, fist-palm-two-fingers. We are still looking for something less aggressive than fist to define, well, fist.”