Having finally broken-down under the enumerable inquires of, “Whaz-up? And “ Howz-it-goin?” College Administrative Assistant Margaret Haefeli responded with a blanket email addressed to the entire campus stating her new “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding how she wished to be addressed in the future:

Thank you, but I, Ms. Haefeli, no longer care to hear inquiries regarding how I might be, or what I might be doing at any given moment.

I feel that how I might be doing might be a rather lengthy and complicated reply, and what I am doing to be very uninteresting. To those of you inquiring to my wellbeing rushing past my desk while not breaking stride, I will, in the future, feign not hearing. To same: you may not understand the subtle nuances of my administrative discomfort even if provided a detailed confessional, so I will politely refrain from wasting our valuable office time.

I feel that how I am–and I am often unsure myself—is in short: my own damn business.

Thank you for you time. I won’t ask if you won’t.

Best,

Margaret Haefeli