Monthly Archives: July 2011

Administrative Co-Worker Requests That Inquires Regarding Her Well-Being Cease

28 Thursday Jul 2011

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Having finally broken-down under the enumerable inquires of, “Whaz-up? And “ Howz-it-goin?” College Administrative Assistant Margaret Haefeli responded with a blanket email addressed to the entire campus stating her new “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding how she wished to be addressed in the future:

Thank you, but I, Ms. Haefeli, no longer care to hear inquiries regarding how I might be, or what I might be doing at any given moment.

I feel that how I might be doing might be a rather lengthy and complicated reply, and what I am doing to be very uninteresting. To those of you inquiring to my wellbeing rushing past my desk while not breaking stride, I will, in the future, feign not hearing. To same: you may not understand the subtle nuances of my administrative discomfort even if provided a detailed confessional, so I will politely refrain from wasting our valuable office time.

I feel that how I am–and I am often unsure myself—is in short: my own damn business.

Thank you for you time. I won’t ask if you won’t.

Best,

Margaret Haefeli

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US Youth Soccer Organization Redefines Tie-Games As Win-Wins

28 Thursday Jul 2011

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Fairfax, California:

Noted child physiologist Bernard Smetena urged the US Youth Soccer Organization yesterday to consider abandoning the practice of the “tie-game” from its rule-book in favor of the win-win.
I have noticed, stated Dr. Smetena, an increasing trend of extreme stress among my young patients who have participated in what I believe to be soccer’s barbaric ritual known as the “tie-breaker.” Many of my patients who have experienced this savagery are now traumatized at the mere suggestion of rock-paper-scissors.

In order to boost the morale, and encourage a feeling of comfort and well-being, among its young players, the US Youth soccer Organization will agree to cease the tie-breaker and opt for the win-win, which will also incorporate the “win-win group hug” among not only the players but the parents of what was formally known as the “opposing teams,” but will forthright be referred to as “people-you-just-haven’t-hugged-yet’.

Dr. Smetena stated further, “We are researching alternatives to rock-paper-scissors, but have only come up with, fist-palm-two-fingers. We are still looking for something less aggressive than fist to define, well, fist.”